


The Finer Things

by Kale12



Series: Code Bat [2]
Category: DC Animated Universe, DCU (Comics), Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons)
Genre: Dorothy Sayers you deserve better, F/M, Gen, Humor, Romance, absurd headcanons, alfred and diana probably go to the opera together, movie night actually happens, no one should take this verse seriously, superheroes can be so pretentious I can't even, thoughtful ravishing, will someone write me wonder woman/captain america fic?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:55:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8337265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kale12/pseuds/Kale12
Summary: Where are Clark and Diana sneaking off to? How stealthy is a pregnant Thanagarian? Does the Flash have leadership potential?Or, supers can't have nice things.





	1. Chapter 1

“In exactly thirty seconds, Diana will end her conversation with Fire and make her way over to the transporters.”

The Flash nearly dropped his cheeseburger. “Shayera, what are you -”

“Watch the clock!” she hissed, wings nearly trembling in agitation. Wally, with an admittedly limited experience of pregnant women, had always connected it with pleasant abstracts like “glowing” and “warm”. Thanagarian pregnancy, perhaps owing to some sort of protective evolution, was terrifying. Shayera looked downright feral most days, and John had privately confessed that he was positive her teeth were getting sharper. No one asked for details.

Wally shuddered and looked over to where, sure enough, Diana made what appeared to be a cheery goodbye as she headed out of the commissary.

“Shay, seriously, what are you -”

“No time! Follow me!”

Wally, always ready to be intrigued, inhaled the rest of his meal and trailed after her obediently. “Where are we going? Should I have packed some snacks?”

“Quick, stay behind me,” she whispered, stepping behind a convenient pillar.

“Shay, you know you’re smaller than me, right?”

“Wingspan,” she grunted.

“I don’t think -”

“Hush. At exactly 4:27, Superman will also be making his way to the transporters.”

“I mean, I realize we’re not exactly 9-5’ers, Shay, but it’s still kind of the end of the day.”

“Try to stop him.”

“Um. Like, fight him? Because no.”

“No, you idiot. Stall him, ask him to grab a drink, I guarantee he’ll turn you down.”

“Yeah, probably because he has a girlfriend.”

“Just do it!”

Wally rolled his eyes and strolled out casually to intercept the Man of Steel. “Hey Supes, how’s it hanging?”

“Hey, Wally. How are you?” Clark smiled pleasantly.

“Great. Just peachy. So, I was thinking. We really haven’t been doing a lot of bonding lately, if you know what I mean. How about we go out and grab a beer with the guys. What about now? You’re off the clock, right?”

“I’m really sorry, Wally,” said Clark with what seemed like genuine regret. “I’ve got plans, but I think it shows some really great leadership that you’re thinking about team dynamics. Maybe you should put together some team-building activities. You can head up a committee!”

“Uh, yeah. I’ll e-mail you. So, plans with the little lady?”

“No, no,” said Clark jovially. “Just friends, nothing special.”

“Can I come?”

“Uh, it’s not exactly your cup of tea, Wally. Anyway, don’t want to be late! Have a great evening.” And with that he walked off as fast as he could without flying.

“Huh,” said the Flash, as Shayera stalked up next to him. “He brushed me off. Clark never brushes anyone off. Especially not after he brings up committees.”

“I told you!”

“Technically, you haven’t actually told me anything.”

“There’s something funny going on. Every Thursday afternoon, both Clark and Diana just disappear. Their communicators are set to emergencies only, and they don’t respond to texts or calls.”

“Where are they going? We should check the logs!”

Shay looked up at him scornfully. “What kind of detective do you think I am? That’s the first thing I did.”

“And?”

“It wasn’t that helpful,” she admitted. They go to different places each time - Paris, Argentina, Thailand. I can’t make out any logical patterns.”

“Have you tried asking them?”

“Yes, but neither of them will give me a straight answer,” she glowered. “For someone with a lasso of truth, Wonder Woman is really evasive.”

“Have you tried asking Batman?”

“What? We can’t do that.”

“Why not? I mean, who else is going to know what his fiancée and his best friend are getting up to...” he trailed off. “Oh. _Oh_. No. No way, Shay.”

“Look, I get that it’s a long shot -”

“C’mon, Shay, there’s got to be a more reasonable explanation. Maybe they’re wedding planning!”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that you think Diana, Warrior Princess is looking at color swatches for her society wedding to Bruce Wayne.”

They both laughed uproariously.

“Besides, I have it on good authority that Alfred’s had the wedding planning done for months.”

“Whose?”

“J’onn’s. Alfred used to run flower options by him when he was living at the manor.”

“They weren’t even engaged then. I don’t think they were even talking back then. Just sort of looking at each other intensely when they thought no one else would notice.”

“And that’s why we never bet against Alfred.”

“And ergo, there’s no way in hell Diana and Clark are sneaking out together.”

“Wally.”

“Nope. I don’t believe it. I refuse to believe it.”

“I refuse to believe you can use words like ergo correctly, and yet here we are.”

“Low blow.”

“Aren’t you at least a little curious as to what they’re up to? It’s not like them to keep secrets.”

“Yes, but -”

“Good. Then we’ll follow them.”

“No! Look, I get that you’re maybe the teensiest bit bored right now -”

“If you come even close to calling me an irrational pregnant woman, I will bite you. And who knows what sort of rabies equivalent my species could pass on.”

“Ok, first of all, the worst you can probably do is bird flu, and I’m pretty sure John made us all get vaccinated. Second, I’m not calling you crazy, I’m just suggesting that being off the active roster and having nothing but monitor duty for months can make anyone a little paranoid. I mean, there’s a reason you haven’t shared these theories with anyone yet, and it’s because you know that they don’t make any sense.”

“Fine,” she huffed.”But I still want to know what’s going on. Something is going on, and I don’t want to ask Bruce.”

“Why not?”

Shayera muttered inaudibly.

“What was that?” Flash put a hand up behind his ear.

“I said, you’re right! I’m bored to tears and I just want at least the semblance of a mystery to solve. Can we please just follow them and figure it out on our own?”

“See,” said Wally, grinning broadly. “Was that so hard? Let’s figure out what these kids are up to.” They raced off, neither of them noticing the dark, pointy-eared figure watching on in interest.

 

* * *

  
“Maybe they’re meeting with the queen. I mean, Diana definitely knows her, right?”

“We’re not in London, we’re in Oxford.”

“She’s the queen, Shay. She has a car. I think she even drives.”

“Shut up, if we lose them, I will drown you in the Thames.”

“You really think we’re going to lose the six foot wonder twins? What kind of detective are you? Don’t punch me.”

In all fairness, Diana and Clark had managed to be much more incognito than Wally would have expected. He supposed Clark was used to being somewhat self-effacing. He held his shoulders looser, his gait was just short of graceless. Diana simply looked, as she always did, as though she couldn’t possibly be anywhere else. People seemed to accept this level of possession with very little questioning.

Wally and Shayera had changed into civilian clothes, too. Shayera’s wings were cloaked with a nifty piece of tech Mr. Terrific had cobbled together, and as long as neither of them attempted an accent, no one had so much as a glance to spare for two pale redheads.

“Look!” Shayera pointed out. “They’re turning in.”

Wally watched as they stepped through the very ordinary wooden doors of a very ordinary-looking establishment. “The Three Feathers. That doesn’t sound very suspicious.”

They waited the requisite few minutes before strolling into a cozy tea house. “I tell you, Shay, this does not look like the kind of place one goes to cook up evil plans.”

“That’s just what they want you to think,” Shayera grumbled. They found a table behind an ornate curio cabinet, careful to keep out of sight. “I think they’re meeting someone.”

“Can we get some crumpets? I’ve always wanted a crumpet.”

“Oh my gosh.”

“And scones, we should get - oh hey, it’s Alfred.”

They watched as Clark, Diana, and the Wayne family butler greeted each other warmly, Alfred pouring tea into delicate china cups.

“I’m sorry we’re late, Alfred.” They could just make out Diana’s low, rich voice.

“Actually,” Clark, jumped in, “it’s probably my fault. Had to shake Wally off. I think he’s really starting to show some initiative, though. You think he’d be willing to head up a committee?”

Wally groaned. “He’s never going to let that go.”

“It’s quite alright,” said Alfred, stirring cream into his tea. “I enjoyed having a little time to reminisce about my own Oxford days. Shall we begin?”

“Yes,” whispered Shay. “Now we’re getting somewhere.” They watched with bated breath as they reached into their bags, pulling out -

“Books?” cried Wally. “We came all this way for a book club?”

 

* * *

 

“Wally. Shayera. We had no idea you would be joining us,” said Diana sweetly, not at all gritting her teeth. “May I pour you some tea? The earl grey here is very soothing.”

Shayera looked disgruntled, but held out her cup. She and Wally had quickly pulled up chairs to join their quarry, once it was clear they’d been spotted. “Knock it off, Di. When did you notice us? Because as much as I’d like to blame Wally, I’m pretty sure you knew you were being followed.”

“Pretty much as soon as you transported down,” said Clark sheepishly. “Meta hearing.”

“So wait, you guys are seriously just being boring old people? There aren’t any secret plans or bad guys that you’re knocking out?” asked Wally, feeling vaguely cheated.

“I’m afraid not, young man,” said Alfred. “Have a scone.”

Wally popped one in his mouth. “Wait, so does Bruce know?”

“Yes,” said a deep voice behind him.

“Jesus, Bruce,” said Wally, half-choking on his scone. “A little warning next time.”

“Is anyone else joining us?” asked Clark, “Because we’re going to need at least another pot.”

“And more scones.”

“Not that I don’t love you all, but what on earth are you doing here?” asked Diana.

Shayera and Wally looked at each other.

“She was bored -”

“You guys kept sneaking out!”

“ - we were solving a mystery!”

“ - you wouldn’t answer any questions.”

“And you thought we were having meetings of a, shall we say, more clandestine sort?” Diana asked, brow raised.

“Well, when you put it that way…” said Shayera.

“Surely you didn’t think that, too?” Diana asked Bruce, in some disbelief.

“You two would never do that,” Bruce said calmly.

“Wait for it,” whispered Diana to Clark.

“For one, you’re both terrible liars.”

“There we go.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” said Clark dryly.

“And for another, you’re both metas with enhanced lifespans. As long as you’re patient, you don’t have to sneak around, you can just wait until I die.”

“That can be arranged,” muttered Diana darkly.

“Is he always this romantic?” asked Shayera.

“There is only so much I could teach him,” Alfred said mournfully.

“You can’t blame yourself, Alfred,” said Clark.

“Wait, so why all the sneaking around?”

“We weren’t sneaking, exactly,” Diana said lamely. “It was just a nice little tradition we had.”

“We’d read a good book, and then visit somewhere relevant to the plot, or we’d see a stage version -”

“Oh I get it, you guys don’t think we’re smart enough!”

“That is so pretentious.”

“Which sounds like it’s actually right up Bruce’s alley. Why didn’t you invite him?”

“We did!”

“No, you didn’t,” said Bruce, a little too quickly.

“But we did,” Diana said earnestly. “Clark told you about it, and you never joined us. We simply assumed you weren’t interested.”

“Wait a minute, I never told him. I thought Alfred was going to tell him.”

Alfred shrugged. “It was my understanding that her highness had broached the subject..?”

Alfred, Clark, and Diana all had the decency to look slightly ashamed. Bruce still looked a little miffed.

“Fine,” said Diana, throwing up her hands. “You all have my deepest apologies for not extending personal invitations. We’ll even reschedule for next week so that you can read the book and catch up.”

“Cool. Does it come on tape?”

Clark groaned.

 

* * *

 

"Nobody died,” complained Shayera. “I thought it was a murder mystery. There wasn’t any murdering.”

Wally nodded, slathering jam on his second scone. “Yeah, I gotta say, for a book about a girls’ college, it was really tame.”

“They were incredibly inefficient,” said Bruce. “I’m not sure this Wimsey could handle real crime.”

Diana took a long, slow sip of her tea. And then another. It still didn’t help. “Those are all valid points, certainly. Maybe let’s set aside the plot for now and talk about the writing?”

“I wasn’t that impressed. If she’s such a great writer, why does she keep quoting other people?”

“Totally, Shay. I mean, this was like the olden days, before remakes got really popular. It could have been way more original.”

Clark opened his mouth to respond, only to be cut off immediately.

“Actually, Big Guy, this totally got me thinking. This book club thing is neat and all, but this is definitely why your team bonding lectures are going nowhere. I think we should do something people relate to more. Like comic books.”

“If I might make a suggestion?” ventured Alfred. “Perhaps you could put together a weekly movie night for the more social members of the league.”

“Yes,” Clark seized on the idea like a lifeline. “That’s great. You can take turns picking the movie. I’ll give you a popcorn budget.”

“You can’t -” started Bruce.

“Popcorn _and_ soda,” said Clark firmly.

“Awesome! Let’s start planning. Bye, guys! Sorry this didn’t work out.”

Diana managed not to look too relieved until Shayera and Wally were out of range. “Alright, Bruce, what point were you trying to make?”

“I just wanted to be asked. I’ll see you and Alfred at home.”

As their last uninvited guest departed, the three original members sat back to appreciate the newfound tranquility of their surroundings, unbroken but for the clink of china and the soft murmur of voices around them.

“Thank god,” said Alfred finally. “Sayers was perhaps a bit too rich for their blood.”

“Excellent suggestion, Alfred,” said Diana.

“You don’t think they suspected, do you?” asked Clark.

“No.”

“Surely not.”

“We’re going to end up watching Power Rangers again, aren’t we?” asked Clark.

Alfred just sipped his tea.


	2. As you wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Batman vs. Captain America. Swedish fish vs. shrieking eels. The Flash pads his résumé. And yeah, I wedged a little BMWW fluff in there. It's my fic I do what I waaaaant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of my useless JL headcanon, because Wally and Shayera were serious about movie night.

“Alright,” said Superman, moving to conclude their weekly meeting. “I think that hits all the important points. Anyone have any other orders of business?”

“So glad you asked, Supes,” said the Flash. “How’s next Thursday for our first League Movie Night?”

Clark had honestly not expected an answer. He knew they’d been tuned out for the last fifteen minutes at least, because he’d been waxing at length on Patagorkan zoning regulations. It was an imperfect revenge.

He scrambled for enthusiasm. “Wow. Excellent follow through, Wally. I must admit, movie night slipped my mind.”

“I hope our popcorn budget didn’t slip your mind.”

“And soda,” Shayera stage-whispered.

“Of course not,” lied Clark.

“How do you guys feel about _The Avengers_?”

“Yes,” said Wonder Woman, a little too quickly, turning slightly pink under the sudden scrutiny. “I like Captain America,” she said meekly.

Batman sat back and crossed his arms, impassive.

“Huh,” said Shayera. “I thought for sure you would have gone for Iron Man. Billionaire playboy in a superhero suit?”

“I already have one of those,” Diana said airily.

Superman waggled his eyebrows. “You know, Di, I get a lot of Captain America comparisons.”

“You could pull off the costume,” she mused. “He’s prettier, though.”

Clark looked vaguely affronted.

“You want to be a part of her collection?” Batman asked dryly.

The Flash raised his hand. “I volunteer as tribute!”

“Also an enjoyable film,” said J’onn.

“I wonder how mother would feel if I showed up to Themyscira with a harem.”

“Proud,” said Shayera promptly.

“Horrified,” said John.

“Let’s find out,” teased Superman, eyeing Batman slyly as he draped an arm around Wonder Woman’s shoulders.

Diana pushed him away, laughing. “Wretched man.”

Batman snorted and headed for the exit. “I’m obviously not needed here. Diana, do Alfred a favor and let him know if you’re bringing home any strays.”

“I’m a special edition,” Clark called over his shoulder.

“What about the movie?” asked Wally.

“Give John my vote,” Batman shot back, before the doors slid shut behind him.

“Not Diana?” asked John.

“He knows how my vote will go,” she sighed. “He won’t watch anything that has Captain America in it with me.”

“That does not surprise me,” said Shayera.

“How am I the only one taking this seriously?” complained Wally.

"Now you know how I feel,” muttered Clark.

 

* * *

  
Diana stepped off the transport pad into the dim light of the cave and found herself manhandled into a crushing embrace. One gauntleted hand burrowed roughly into her hair, the other arm was an iron bar against her back. His mouth on hers was searing and savage.

She found it utterly delightful.

Bruce finally pulled back, though he didn’t fully relinquish his hold.

“Is that the reaction you were hoping for, princess?” His studied nonchalance was marred only by the slight breathlessness beneath it.

“Yes,” she said, dimpling up at him. “Did I tease too much?”

“Your mother should have beat you more,” he grumbled.

“Likely,” she agreed cheerfully. “I got too fast.”

He scooped her up and began walking towards the entrance to the manor. She settled herself comfortably in his arms, pushing his cowl back and running her fingers through his thick, bristled hair.

“Are you hovering?” he asked suspiciously.

“Only a little,” Diana admitted. “You’re being so gallant, I’d hate for you to drop me halfway.”

He looked at her incredulously.

“Oh, don’t look so offended. I just want to make sure you have enough energy to ravish me.”

“Have you been watching soaps with Alfred again?”

“They’re very dramatic. I think even Sophocles would enjoy them.”

“I don’t think Antigone got ravished, exactly.”

“Neither will I, at this rate,” Diana pouted.

Bruce walked faster.

 

* * *

 

Diana picked her way across the superheroes sprawled on the floor of the Monitor Womb. “Where did this couch come from? How did you even get it up here?”

Shayera patted the seat beside her. “Craigslist. Superheroes. Don’t ask about that weird stain.”

Diana shuddered and scooted forward. “Surely we could have afforded something less...used?”

“Not with that stingy snack budget, we couldn’t.”

“A budget that allows for the purchase of furniture seems rather generous.”

“You’ve never been on Craigslist, have you?”

“She’s a princess. Dating a billionaire. Her version of slumming it is Ikea.” Wally plopped down on her other side. It was unclear whether he was aware of the stain or if he simply didn’t care.

“You know, for an isolated mythical island with no trade, industry, or economic connections, you guys are loaded.” Shayera’s voice was slightly muffled around a mouthful of Swedish Fish.

“We’d accumulated quite a bit of capital before the isolation, spoils of war and whatnot, that went largely unspent for thousands of years. And thanks to some sound investments when I first came to man’s world...let’s just say our financial planner is aggressively competent.”

“An Amazon in Louboutins?’

“Quite.”

“Think the Amazons could throw in a couple of bean bag chairs?”

“We’ll consider it,” she promised. “What are we watching?”

“ _The Princess Bride_. It’s an epic tale of brave warriors, a beautiful princess, and a happy ending.”

“Like _Braveheart_ ,” Diana nodded.

“You think _Braveheart_ had a happy ending?”

She shrugged. “He died with honor, as befitting a great warrior.”

“He lost his girl and his head. How are you ok with this?”

“Are you familiar with the epics of my people, Wally?”

“I read _The Iliad_ in college. Kinda bleak.”

“Precisely.”

“Your love life is finally making sense to me.”

A voice piped up from the crowd. “Yo, West, let’s get this started already, your mom’s waiting for me.”

“Shut up Harper, or I’ll tell everyone what you really do with those arrows,” Wally answered good-naturedly, taking three seconds to dim the lights, refill popcorn, and hit play.

 

* * *

 

“We had shrieking eels back home. They’re really quite friendly as long as you bring them a suitable peace offering,” Diana whispered.

“Like a lump of sugar?”

“Half a wild boar.”

“Yeah, clearly just misunderstood,” Wally deadpanned.

“We had them on Thanagar, too. They taste best when they’re freshly killed and the blood is still warm.”

“And I’m done with the Swedish Fish now.”

Shayera shrugged, unconcerned. “More for me.”

Diana looked over at Wally’s pile of candy. “Do you have any Junior Mints?”

“Here.” Batman loomed up suddenly behind them.

“Christ on a cracker, Bats, I’m going to have to start carrying around a goddamn defibrillator,” Wally whispered fiercely, only to be shushed from multiple directions.

“Shut up, West, we’re not paying to hear you scream like a little girl.”

“For the love of god, Harper, I am going to stuff your bow down your throat so hard you’ll be shitting arrows.”

“I taught him that one,” confessed Shayera.

“Crude but effective,” said Batman, dropping a box of Junior Mints in Diana’s lap. “I bet Captain America wouldn’t bring you candy.”

She patted his cheek sympathetically. “Steve Rogers would bring me candy and a hand-knit afghan, but I still like you.”

“You’re not gonna win this one, Batman,” said Shayera.

“What is it with you and guys named Steve?” asked Wally.

Batman played his trump. “I also brought wine.”

Shayera reconsidered. “You might win this one.”

Diana beamed. “My hero.”

“I’ve been told I can be gallant.”

Wally choked. “Did the Joker tell you that? I’m not sure I’d trust him as a character witness.”

“Hush,” said Diana, before turning to look back up at Bruce. “I’ll see you after patrol?”

“As you wish,” he said, squeezing her shoulder before melting back into the shadows.

“How does he do that without sounding like a total cheeseball?” asked Wally.

“It’s the cape,” said Shayera solemnly.

 

* * *

 

“I have to hand it to you, Wally,” said Clark, carrying the couch back out of the monitor womb. “I think movie night was a great success.”

“Man, Supes, could you at least look like you’re trying? Lugging that thing through the watchtower was giving me freshman year move-in flashbacks.”

“Wasn’t that two months ago?”

“Hilarious, old man. You’re just jealous that my movie night is a million times more awesome than your lame, boring book club.”

“I really am,” said Clark, nodding seriously. “I’d actually really appreciate it if you didn’t even mention the book club to any of the junior members. They’d just make fun of us old fogeys.”

“Oh yeah, totally,” promised Wally, in perfect sincerity. “So should we just space this couch, or what? Di figures we can just raid the manor for something that doesn’t have fungus growing under the seat cushions.”

Clark sighed. “I’ll fry it first. Probably shouldn’t let it float out into the ether. With our luck, it would crash into the side of some alien spacecraft and cause a galactic incident.”

“So can I really be the League social chair? Because I’ve already had a bunch of people come up to me with ideas for our next movie night.”

“Sure, Wally. Though we should probably call it something more boring, like Director of Interpersonal Communications.”

“DIC. Heh.”

Clark rolled his eyes.

“Ok, so as the official DIC, I’d also like to propose the League Bowling League, interplanetary hide-and-seek, and maybe a spa day.”

Superman sighed and began destroying the couch. “I’ll check the budget."

**Author's Note:**

> I watched that episode of the office where Pam, Oscar, and Toby have their "Finer Things" club and I could not rid myself of the image of Batman Jim-Halperting his way through Diana, Alfred, and Clark's book club. All my fandoms are friends, apparently.


End file.
